Success without Ego

Do you have a realistic view of your accomplishments?

It’s a curious thing to me that I swing from dwelling on a singular success that elevates and comforts my ego while discounting successes that have little societal value or contradict my personal narrative. However, I suspect that I am not alone.

We often have thrived (or merely survived) phases in our life and do not give ourselves the credit that would build our self-esteem and muscle memory of resiliency. There are hidden ascensions of personal greatness such as those who are in chronic pain or experience panic attacks or PTSD flashbacks, or even neglect or abuse in childhood, and still they soldier on. Varying examples exist for rising to the challenge of broken communities without resources for education, health, clean air or water, single parents, teachers, or healers. There is no trophy for these accomplishments that we do not count.

For this upcoming Mercury Retrograde, which starts on January 14, 2022, I invite you to drop into your past and remember some accomplishment that you have never truly appreciated. The energy is calling to you re-visit, return, re-invest. Now is the moment to stop and have a picnic at the top of the mountains you have climbed.

Let’s re-imagine what we have accomplished with a full scope perspective. Roll back the tapes and find a gem among your crown of deeds that fulfilled your highest light. Turn a critical eye on the challenges you faced without judgement and notice the nuances of each step toward success. Rather than mire in an apathetic two-dimensional cycle of a clear villain and sanctimonious victim, focus on how brilliantly and multi-facedly you shone your light.

Winter Mercury Retrograde

Get quiet and still as winter. Light a white candle and watch the flame. Sit with yourself in silence, allow quiet to blanket you like snow across the mountain meadow. Begin at age one and think of an accomplishment – walking or talking or whatever you can bestow upon your youngest self. Imagine the obstacles you faced as a child and how you rose quietly and resolutely to acknowledge and pursue your own light’s guidance. See your first successes and beam your heart’s light toward these images. Visualize the accomplishments, the feats that warmed your heart as you grew into an adult. Breathe deeply into this feeling as scenes of small deeds done well, with values you admire, dance across your awareness.

Ask your heart which accomplishment needs the light of your awareness.  Breathe into the bubble of an image that first appears in your mind’s eye. Watch the scene or feeling unfold and expand as your hidden success reveals itself. Imagine the sun’s brilliance building as the details of your achievement sharpen. Direct all your energy to remembering who you are. Shine a light on a forgotten success. Then share the story with someone with whom you love and trust.

I’ll start.

 My Picnic on the Peak

One of my most obscure books I have written, is the one of which I am most proud. I spent two years researching, interviewing and writing Latino Writers and Journalists, a huge feat akin to writing a master’s thesis because this book consisted of one-hundred and fifty biographical essays (700-1500 words each), including four literary references per entry, indexed by entries by subject matter, year of birth and ethnicity. Even the Bibliography and Recommended Sources was categorized by Anthologies, Biographical Sources, Critical Studies and Genres and Literary Movements.

I wanted to diversify as many subject matters as I could conceive to display the breath of the Latino American experience. Fifteen years later, there would undoubtably be more specific threads of experience as we have expanded our abilities to tell the stories of the marginalized, unnamed heroes. Here is my list: Barrio Experience, Border Culture, Chicano Movement, Cuban-American Literature, Expatriate Experience, Feminist Issues, Folklore and Oral Storytelling, Gay and Lesbian Issues, Immigrant Experience, Latin-American Writers, Magical Realism, Native Literature, New Mexican Writers, Nuyorican/Puerto-Rican American Literature, Postmodern/Contemporary Literature and Journalism, Social Protest Literature and Journalism.

These essays were not only supposed to relay biological facts, but also identify and rank these writers and journalists’ influence on Chicano and Western literature. I suppose I often diminish this daunting task and its success because the years of my research and writing process were pockmarked as the most emotional pain I have experienced in my life. I took very little photos, despite the fact that my sons were still in primary school, because I could not bear the mirror’s reflection. I had no sense of detachment and only saw pain, sadness, betrayal and loss. There was no witness, just a swirling of emotions that acted upon my sanity like a watery whirlwind.

Unsafe in the swirl of feelings, I turned to my intellect to keep me afloat when I accepted the editor’s request to write a book for university libraries as one volume in a set that also includes Latino Athletes, Latino Political and Social Leaders, Latinos in Science, Math and Professions and Latinos in the Arts.

I wandered the walls of towering books in university, city and county libraries to find biographical information as the internet had not yet advanced to the online resource that it is today. I tracked down authors through internet searches, hundreds of emails and occasional gate crashing so I could hear firsthand accounts of their life story. I joined the National Association of Independent Producers to attend their yearly conference so I could meet Josefina Lopez, whose play/movie “Real Woman Have Curves” lit my soul. I wanted to shed light on unseen challenges on the road to success, such as for Josefina who was three-years-old when she migrated from Mexico to America and was so hurt and confused why people called her an alien.

I was determined that these the biographical essays would reveal the tenacity, positive outlook, and hope that runs at the core of my Latino inheritance. But, like throwing out the baby with the bath water, when I put a blinder over my life’s experience for two years, I also forgot to celebrate this book I am so proud of. Whenever I look at my book, I feel a rush of joy and appreciation for my determination to find the light in the dark. My resolve to highlight the silver linings through the struggles was rewarded when I was honored with the Best Reference Award from the 2008 International Book Awards for Latino Writers and Journalists. I have a gorgeous glass bookend that commemorates my success and I think that is pretty rad.