I stand at the entrance of a cave symbolic of my deepest knowing as a woman. The tunnel is dark. Who knows how long the walk into the depths of Mother Earths womb? This is where as a woman of fifty years, I will hold my blood, aka my wisdom, my silent knowing. I will stand in my power without need to prove anything. It is the beginning of the end of my menarche. And the start of my years as a Queen.
Each time my moon blood decides to return, I am offered the opportunity to face, accept and release unresolved issues from my maiden years. Who could be a better teacher than my own children?
I am currently drinking a cup of coffee on the Big Island where Goddess Pele is creating new earth from her fiery womb. I consider the emotions of fear and love that arise as I release my sons to their own lives as young men. I know they must find their way. I want to protect them and pick up all the pebbles and stones they could possibly trip on. I cannot do this and hold respect for their journey at the same time.
My son Kobe fled Pele’s lava path and is now trying to make a home for himself in Kona. I fear his relationship with his girlfriend is co-dependent. I must accept myself for every time as a young woman I wallowed in my victim story. I must let go of judgments for the many times I did not feel strong enough to stand on my own or when I let others carry me. I must love myself through the struggles to free myself from my cocoon and let go of the anger for the stones I tripped over. I remember myself as a butterfly – sweet, free and kind.
Skyler is soaring. He is happy and kind in a way that I haven’t seen since he was very young. There is an innocence, passion and a sweetness that reflects the best of what I love about myself. I am in awe of his relationship with his people and ability to take in love and happiness.
I am viscerally reminded of the exuberance and spontaneity of myself as a young woman. When I watch Skyler’s girlfriend Danika dance I feel awe. I remember the times when I was too wounded to feel my freedom or allowed others opinions to sway my sense of worth. I now offer salve for those wounds. I am proud of the strength in my gentleness.
And yet, I also remember that I am okay regardless of accomplishments. As a blessed Queen, a wise woman, I am enough.
I carry these stones with me: Mookite, Landscape Jasper, Kyanite, Tangerine Quartz, Apache Tear, Apatite. They help me ground, speak my truth with clarity and precision, soothe the places where I cut these Mama Bear cords, cry when I must and remind me of the pure light and love that is the origin of my desire. I pull a Kuan Yin card ever day. I anoint a candle with an oil from Sacred Well called Her Sparkling Crown and light it every day at the altar here in our AirBnB in Hilo, Hawaii.
We leave for Kona today. I know this side of the Island will offer new lessons. I am capturing the moment of my first steps as Queen. I feel the girdle around my belly, the seat of my power, and the bejeweled crown that directs my light and words and actions of wisdom.