Been Thinking

Been exploring my mind and heart a lot this week. I’ve thought about how I would describe my ideal job. I want to be transparent. I want to be authentic. I want to be in my integrity and truth. I want to be creative. I want to tell stories and be part of a team who shares my goals and vision for earth and community and yet have my independence, too.

Sometimes I get down on myself for not being able to fit into the mainstream. I tell myself that is where the money is. That’s what I need to be if I want the advantages of society.. but then I literally cringe and stare with incredulity at mainstream commercials and what they sell – so many ads on medicine.

I can’t buy in to the current myth that I need to be physically sick to stay home from work (or that I need their medicine) and I don’t think it’s fair that I should have to lie about mental health days. I hardly get sick because I don’t outsource my health to a slew of doctors. I take responsibility. I hunker down when I’m feeling low and ask myself if germs are around me all the time (and they are), why and how did my immune system get so low in this moment to let that cold or flu enter my body? With a scathing honest look, I ask myself, what’s really bothering me and then I cry or scream or walk it out. Or drink OJ and take a nap. That’s how I avoid being sick. And I don’t know how to explain that to the Powers That Be. I don’t know how to even pretend to fit into their mold.

Though it came with its own problems, strictly being a Wiccan author had its advantages. I was already so outside of the cast iron box that I got to speak my truth all the time. Case in point, a cable show made in Salem several years ago.

My friend Andrea told me today that there is nothing the matter with me. I’m not being obstinate on purpose. It’s just I need to find the culture that understands.. or did she say creatively understand how to fit into the family dynamics of Corporate America?  Hmmm. Can I live on the outskirts and feed off the grid at the same time. I wish I knew.

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